Have you ever wondered how you can be the perfect parent and raise the perfect child?
What is the perfect birth? What is the perfect 4th trimester plan?Β With all the information out there I know it can be confusing so I went ahead and answered all these questions!Β You’ve been asking for it and I delivered – I’ve written a book on the ONLY way to be the Perfect Parent!
It’s the perfect, one-size fits all Parenting Book! It’s going to tell you exactly how to parent any child, anywhere, anytime… perfectly.Β Checkout the video and find out how you can get your copy for FREE!
Here are the key steps for “The Only Proven Way to be the Perfect Parent and Raise the Perfect Child” Chapter One:
- To have the perfect child the only way to start is to have an unmedicated, medicated birth in a hospital at home. You should have it in a pool without water and you should catch your baby yourself, using a specialized obstetrician. You should be unassisted by your team of women, and men, chanting and drinking castor oil as they hold your other offspring and sign the adoption papers.
- Donβt cut off the umbilical cord before you cut it off. You should walk around with the placenta like a nutrient dense Prada handbag but donβt because thatβs disgusting.
- Your older children must be there at the birth because birth is normal and healthy and beautiful. But they shouldn’t be there at the birth because that will traumatize them for life. So do both.
- Once youβve had your baby, to be the perfect parent, you need to co-sleep – just like in Japan – because that is evolutionarily what babies expect and need. They have to feel your heart beat and itβs the only way they feel safe. Except for the fact that that would be terribly dangerous and irresponsible so they have to sleep in a bed thatβs not a crib, on the floor, and they should sleep through the night from the age of two weeks whilst you feed them on demand whenever they wake up. Donβt let them cry except for when theyβre crying.
- To be the perfect parent – donβt leave the house for the first 30 days after the birth. You should be resting and nesting – and getting out for fresh air every day.
- In their fourth trimester you should carry your baby in a carrier at all times, you must never put them down – just like in South America. And, without putting them down, ensure theyβll get tummy time on the floor for optimum development. Their long nap should be taken outside in a stroller, without your presence. Thatβs the time for you to have a shower, finish your Ph.D and sleep while the baby sleeps.
- You must wear bikinis proudly and show off your stretch marks with pride, especially on instagram. But, when youβre nursing in public you must cover up even if youβre sitting in the bathroom alone in case you see yourself nursing. You also want to ensure your baby doesnβt see you exposed when youβre doing skin to skin time so be sure to cover up. And covering up is dangerous and uncomfortable and also not in alignment with feminine integrity so doing that is a powerless bow to the patriarchy.
- Your baby should be potty independent (donβt say potty trained). So you should EC them and they should graduate by the time theyβre 9 months old, just like in Africa, at which point you can start using organic cloth diapers. Because potty training is disrespectful, let them be soiled until theyβre four at which point you should force them to potty train themselves naturally.
- Restrict sugar because itβs more addictive than cocaineΒ and restricting it makes it a forbidden fruit so that backfires and they want it more.
- Restrict screen time because itβs more addictive than cocaineΒ and according the AAP. Itβs dangerous before the age of 2 and restricting it makes it a forbidden fruit so that backfires and they want it more. Controlling parenting is disrespectful to the child who knows how to regulate their own cocaine, I mean screen, intake. Plus, as socrates said, “screens are just a part of modern poetry, you technophobe.”
- Responsible parents educate. Schools are like prisons so you need to home educate using rewards and punishments. You need to offer personalized and child led learning opportunities that are aligned with your childβs unique age, stage, interests. This is the only way theyβll get higher standardized test scores and get into an Ivy League college which ensures theyβll be forever joyful, abundant and living in alignment with their truest purpose, which is their 401K.
- The more money you spend on Montessori toys, the more perfect parent you are. Except if you make them yourself and then youβre more perfect.
- Ultimately, itβs important to remember that youβre raising an adult,Β in the moment,Β and live with presence as you prepare your child for the future. The days are long and the years are long – in a blink of an eye 18 summers will have flown by and you were too busy, busy – living in the moment.
April Fools!!! No of COURSE I havenβt written the book about how to be the prefect parent and raise the perfect child…
If youβve been following me for any length of time you should know that I DO NOT believe in a one size fits all, dogmatic and prescriptive parenting approach AND I believe that imperfection is part of the human condition.
But… I wasnβt kidding about writing a book.Β
I am! And I would LOVE for you to contribute your story, wisdom or thoughts to my writing process.
You do not have to be a good writer, have a special story or be out of the ordinary in any kind of way.
In fact Iβm collecting very normal, run of the mill personal anecdotes about things like:
- Not feeling good enough
- Feeling like a victim
- Being judged or shamed for our parenting choicesI bet you can relate to some of those, right?
So if youβre up for sharing and being quoted (first Name only if you prefer) in my book (to be released January 1st, 2020!) please click here.
Your story is worthy, interesting and so helpful to me! I would be very very grateful for your input.
This book is going to be a rallying cry for us parents to say βEnough is Enoughβ to all the expectations, judgements and dogmatism surrounding parenting. Itβs going to be a Mindset Guide to Shame Free Parenting.
That was so cool!
I just laugh-cried for 7 minutes, you’re hilarious but there ARE so many different view points and pieces of advice out there that this is almost true….which makes it funnier!
I’m glad I am not the only one! I started laughing, then laugh-crying and then just plain crying…then I tried to calm down and laughed at myself for the crazy emotional mess I am at the moment (I am in the middle of my pregnancy and I blame the hormones). Thank you so much Avital for writing such a brilliantly absurd piece! It made my day π
Omg I absolutely adore you! I can’t stop laughing, watched it like 6 times because I can’t hear you over my laughter. Stuck an enlightening and warm hearted joke. Best April’s fools ever. -love
Such an enlightening* π
Loved reading your response!
I love the April fools joke!! Lol
But….. it was so good… I am sad that is not what the first chapter is going to be like. And that there are no free books. Could it be a free download? Lol.
Haha!
OMG! When I first saw A vital had a book, I was like I will do anything to own this!! π Then when I saw the cover I was very confused, because it’s not how I know Actual to be”perfect parent” etc ππ this has made my day haha I’m still laughing!! Happy April Fools xx
This was hilarious. Thank you for this.
Lol i love this!!!
And i love how ended it with listening to your intuitionβ€οΈ
I was SO confused! Because I usually agree with almost everything you talk about, or at the very least..can make sense of your perspective even if it’s not right for me. BUT “being the perfect parent & raising the perfect kids” ?? I literally couldn’t understand what was going on. Idk why I didn’t immediately assuming April fool’s LOL (well played, Avital!!)… I knew it didn’t make sense but I didn’t understand why. I just knew I wouldn’t be buying the book until more information was revealed. Like I knew it was a joke! Lol. Just never thought April fool’s. Haha. Jokes definitely on ME. Well I’m so glad to see you didn’t go Crazy! Lol
Avital!! π …very cleaver , creative and funny! Congratulations for your new project
Congratulations on the success of your book!!! Avita you are very clever. Although I was very confused when I saw the coverπππ just keep up the good work the sky is your limitπππ