Have you ever wondered how you can be the perfect parent and raise the perfect child?
What is the perfect birth? What is the perfect 4th trimester plan? With all the information out there I know it can be confusing so I went ahead and answered all these questions! You’ve been asking for it and I delivered – I’ve written a book on the ONLY way to be the Perfect Parent!
It’s the perfect, one-size fits all Parenting Book! It’s going to tell you exactly how to parent any child, anywhere, anytime… perfectly. Checkout the video and find out how you can get your copy for FREE!
Here are the key steps for “The Only Proven Way to be the Perfect Parent and Raise the Perfect Child” Chapter One:
- To have the perfect child the only way to start is to have an unmedicated, medicated birth in a hospital at home. You should have it in a pool without water and you should catch your baby yourself, using a specialized obstetrician. You should be unassisted by your team of women, and men, chanting and drinking castor oil as they hold your other offspring and sign the adoption papers.
- Don’t cut off the umbilical cord before you cut it off. You should walk around with the placenta like a nutrient dense Prada handbag but don’t because that’s disgusting.
- Your older children must be there at the birth because birth is normal and healthy and beautiful. But they shouldn’t be there at the birth because that will traumatize them for life. So do both.
- Once you’ve had your baby, to be the perfect parent, you need to co-sleep – just like in Japan – because that is evolutionarily what babies expect and need. They have to feel your heart beat and it’s the only way they feel safe. Except for the fact that that would be terribly dangerous and irresponsible so they have to sleep in a bed that’s not a crib, on the floor, and they should sleep through the night from the age of two weeks whilst you feed them on demand whenever they wake up. Don’t let them cry except for when they’re crying.
- To be the perfect parent – don’t leave the house for the first 30 days after the birth. You should be resting and nesting – and getting out for fresh air every day.
- In their fourth trimester you should carry your baby in a carrier at all times, you must never put them down – just like in South America. And, without putting them down, ensure they’ll get tummy time on the floor for optimum development. Their long nap should be taken outside in a stroller, without your presence. That’s the time for you to have a shower, finish your Ph.D and sleep while the baby sleeps.
- You must wear bikinis proudly and show off your stretch marks with pride, especially on instagram. But, when you’re nursing in public you must cover up even if you’re sitting in the bathroom alone in case you see yourself nursing. You also want to ensure your baby doesn’t see you exposed when you’re doing skin to skin time so be sure to cover up. And covering up is dangerous and uncomfortable and also not in alignment with feminine integrity so doing that is a powerless bow to the patriarchy.
- Your baby should be potty independent (don’t say potty trained). So you should EC them and they should graduate by the time they’re 9 months old, just like in Africa, at which point you can start using organic cloth diapers. Because potty training is disrespectful, let them be soiled until they’re four at which point you should force them to potty train themselves naturally.
- Restrict sugar because it’s more addictive than cocaine and restricting it makes it a forbidden fruit so that backfires and they want it more.
- Restrict screen time because it’s more addictive than cocaine and according the AAP. It’s dangerous before the age of 2 and restricting it makes it a forbidden fruit so that backfires and they want it more. Controlling parenting is disrespectful to the child who knows how to regulate their own cocaine, I mean screen, intake. Plus, as socrates said, “screens are just a part of modern poetry, you technophobe.”
- Responsible parents educate. Schools are like prisons so you need to home educate using rewards and punishments. You need to offer personalized and child led learning opportunities that are aligned with your child’s unique age, stage, interests. This is the only way they’ll get higher standardized test scores and get into an Ivy League college which ensures they’ll be forever joyful, abundant and living in alignment with their truest purpose, which is their 401K.
- The more money you spend on Montessori toys, the more perfect parent you are. Except if you make them yourself and then you’re more perfect.
- Ultimately, it’s important to remember that you’re raising an adult, in the moment, and live with presence as you prepare your child for the future. The days are long and the years are long – in a blink of an eye 18 summers will have flown by and you were too busy, busy – living in the moment.
April Fools!!! No of COURSE I haven’t written the book about how to be the prefect parent and raise the perfect child…
If you’ve been following me for any length of time you should know that I DO NOT believe in a one size fits all, dogmatic and prescriptive parenting approach AND I believe that imperfection is part of the human condition.
But… I wasn’t kidding about writing a book.
I am! And I would LOVE for you to contribute your story, wisdom or thoughts to my writing process.
You do not have to be a good writer, have a special story or be out of the ordinary in any kind of way.
In fact I’m collecting very normal, run of the mill personal anecdotes about things like:
- Not feeling good enough
- Feeling like a victim
- Being judged or shamed for our parenting choicesI bet you can relate to some of those, right?
So if you’re up for sharing and being quoted (first Name only if you prefer) in my book (to be released January 1st, 2020!) please click here.
Your story is worthy, interesting and so helpful to me! I would be very very grateful for your input.
This book is going to be a rallying cry for us parents to say “Enough is Enough” to all the expectations, judgements and dogmatism surrounding parenting. It’s going to be a Mindset Guide to Shame Free Parenting.