Marie Forleo introduction

Hi!

I'm Avital.

You want a present, peaceful and playful family life? I'm here to help you make that a reality.

read more

Why Praising (yes, praising!) Your Child Is Harmful And What To Do Instead

Praise.

 

We all love getting it, and most of us don’t realize how much we love giving it – especially to our kids.

 

“Good job”

“Good girl”

“You’re sharing beautifully”

“I’m so proud of how you’re eating!”

“Wow – you’re helping like a big girl!”

 

… What could be wrong with that? …

Interestingly, a lot.

 

  1. Praise Undermines Intrinsic Interest
    According to the leading writer on this, and a personal parenting-crush of mine, Alfie Kohn: research has shown that praising someone for a behavior or achievement actually undermines their interest in that behavior. Kids who were praised for trying a new beverage, for example, were less likely to try another new beverage than kids who weren’t.
  2. Praise Assumes the Worst
    Behavioralists tell us: if a kid does something you like: praise them! It was probably a mere fluke and you’ll need to work hard to get them to repeat that behavior by giving them positive reinforcements! The underlying message here is that children are never going to share because sharing is generous – they’ll only share because they’ll get something (praise) out of it. The flip side to this double edge sword is that if a child is used to being praised for kindness, and no one is around to notice their good deed, they probably won’t do it.
  3. Praise Creates Pressure
    Constantly praising is actually kind of similar to constantly criticizing in that it’s constantly evaluating. Anyone under scrutiny and judgement, even if the judgments are favorable to them, is under pressure to perform. The message is – I’m watching you and either liking or not liking what you’re doing (which can often sound to a child like: I’m watching you and either loving or not loving you). This creates a conditionality to a relationship that undermines unconditional love. Ultimately we all want our child to feel: I love and like you no matter your behavior, no matter your achievements. In fact, it’s in the moment we under achieve or make mistakes that we need to be loved the most.

What To Do Instead

  1. Say what you see. Focus on the details of their work, rather than on an evaluation. “You used a lot of red!” “You made the sun SO big!”. This gives children the sense that their choices matter and their work is noticed.
  2. Join in their enthusiasm. “You’re so excited!” “I’m so pleased for you.” “You did it!” Rather than judging them to be doing a “good job”, focus on their feeling of accomplishment.
  3. Focus on the process, not on the outcome. Showing children that we care more about the effort they put in makes it easier for them to take risks and work hard (which eventually lead to higher success rates, anyway) rather than being overwhelmed by the pressure to perform. So when they get an A grade you might say: “You really studied hard for that.” When they paint a beautiful picture: “You’re been focused on mastering that stroke.” And when they play a piece of music: “I know how much you’ve practiced.”
  4. Focus on their experience, not yours. Show them that the work they do and their achievements are theirs – not done for you or anyone else. So instead of “I’m so proud of you!” You might try: “You must be proud of yourself!” Instead of: “I love what you did!” You could say: “Do you love what you did? I do…”
  5. Reflect their emotions. See, authentically, what a child’s experiencing and reflect it back for them. “You look tired but satisfied.”, “You were worried you couldn’t manage, but you did!”, and “It’s not easy to do it, but you knew how helpful it was.”
  6. Thank them! If a child does something for you… helping around the home or gifting you a drawing, thank them as you would an adult. “Thanks so much for keeping your space clean, that’s lovely for all of us.” or “Thanks for getting ready on time – that keeps the day running smoothly.”​

Have you taken steps to move away from praise? Does any of this resonate for you? 

You may also like...
COME FIND ME ON INSTAGRAM!

Create a marriage you LOVE with the partner you've got! ⁣

Parent in love to create family bliss.⁣

Are you joining us? We begin July 1st. Check out Parent In Love >> Link in bio @parentingjunkie ⁣

#parentinlove #peacefulpartnering #parentingtogether #mindfulmarriage #familybliss #loveparenting #loveparentingwithhim #loveparentingwithher
...

There's still time to slide right in! With just 24 hours left, all you need to do is sign up now (for $0) ...you'll have another 14 days to decide! #ParentInLove Link in bio @ParentingJunkie (www.TheParentingJunkie.com/PIL) ...

Now look, we’re all tired of the over-inflated results that course creators are flaunting on the interwebs. We’re all suspicious of online courses actually delivering on all their bloated promises. So if you think, “Bah, just another expensive course I don’t need” - I feel you, I do. I take the same wary approach when buying new programs. ⁣

But that’s why I want to share real human beings from all walks of life who have actually been through this course and received meaningful and priceless renewals in their relationships. ⁣

Like Chelsea, who remarked: “When I joined Parent in Love, I was ready to give up on my marriage. Today, my marriage has had a complete overhaul! It's practically a different marriage altogether.”⁣

Or Tanya, who reported: "This course has ABSOLUTELY TRANSFORMED our marriage, our family life, and my own personal growth journey! We still fight, but the fights are fewer and we tend to make up quicker and in front of the kids now!"⁣

And here's what Jonna said: "I have tools that give me hope and I know how to start resolving our conflicts. I have started to notice how my own shift of thoughts changes the whole atmosphere in our home, not only between me and my hubby but with the kids also."⁣

Check out my IGTV for more amazing success stories.⁣

Parent In Love is a 6-month deep-dive online program that will transform your marriage from the inside out. ⁣

Check it out!⁣
LINK IN BIO @parentingjunkie ⁣
www.theparentingjunkie.com/pil
...

Ever find yourself waiting for your partner to change? Sometimes, it feels easier alone. ⁣

As much as you want and need the support - I know sometimes it can just feel easier to run your home on your own. ⁣

No one criticizing. ⁣
No one judging. ⁣
No one commenting. ⁣
No one watching. ⁣
No one adding to your to-do list with their needs.⁣
No one irritating you.⁣

Ah. Bliss. ⁣

But did you ever have these thoughts only to then think: "Yikes! That's not really what I want, is it? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with us!?"⁣

And what has waiting for your partner to change gotten you so far? ⁣

Stop waiting... ⁣

You deserve to have a happy marriage, and your kids deserve to have happy parents. ⁣

And don't wait on your partner, because the Parent In Love program is DESIGNED to be done alone - so that YOU can focus on what YOU can change: yourself.⁣

Your partner will necessarily be affected by the changes you make - because that's how relationships work, we're intertwined like that. ⁣

So TAKE A BREAK trying to change your partner right now, and finally, start to see some real transformation. ⁣

Psst... Your partner doesn't even have to KNOW you're doing the program - not that I'm suggesting you hide this from them, especially if you two are used to discussing financial investments you make - but I DO want you to know that many members have gone through Parent In Love WITHOUT letting their partners know about it. ⁣

And what happened? ⁣

Well, typically their partner would suddenly begin to NOTICE a profound (wonderful!) shift in their relationship and wonder "what's going on?!" ⁣

If you really want to take this program but you're struggling to work through their concerns, especially about the $ investment, I've provided scripts to help you have those important conversations with confidence. ⁣

Get the free Make It Happen PDF in the >>> FAQ >> www.TheParentingJunkie.com/PIL (link in bio @parentingjunkie) #parentinlove
...

This error message is only visible to WordPress admins
There has been a problem with your Instagram Feed.
Add a Comment

0 comments