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I'm Avital.

You want a present, peaceful and playful family life? I'm here to help you make that a reality.

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Conscious Parenting vs. Mainstream Parenting

An interview with Dr. Shefali Tsabary, clinical psychologist, New York Times Bestselling author of the book, The Conscious Parent, and others including The Awakened Family and Out of Control.

But what IS Conscious Parenting?

Let’s start at the beginning. As you know (hopefully!) I am a mindful parenting coach who advocates peaceful parenting approaches. And you may already know what peaceful parenting is, or at least, are able deduce the meaning: parenting without punishment.  And while that definition conjures up mild panic in most parents (along with images of relinquished control to ill-mannered children), peaceful parenting goes beyond simply “no punishments.”

Peaceful Parenting Focuses on

Controlling the Environment (Locking the pantry door rather than punishing a child who sneaks treats)
Emotional Regulation of the Parent (Deep breaths. A calm voice)
Connection with the Child (Because the greatest influence on behavior is emotional connection)

So how is Conscious Parenting different?

Well, it’s the same. Only maybe best thought of as one level up. Think of it as when Mario eats that mushroom and grows up a little bit (into SUPER MARIO). 🍄

That’s Conscious Parenting. SUPER Parenting.

It has all the components of peaceful parenting, but with a much larger focus on the parent. It’s not about raising the child, but about raising the parent.

The best way to explain this paradigm shift is through an example: your two year old refuses to put on her shoes.

When usual persuasion methods prove unsuccessful, you grow frustrated. You threaten punishment (an attempt to control the child and situation). It doesn’t work. You become angry. You yell. You threaten bigger punishments (No iPad in the car for you!).

Let’s run through the Peaceful Parenting points above (with another fun table!).

Controlling the Environment (You place the shoes out, along with socks, so the child doesn’t get lost and frustrated with the task of finding matching pairs.)
Emotional Regulation of the Parent (Calming your internal mood. Deep breathing. Not raising your voice.)
Connection with the Child (You get down on her eye level, seek to understand the need underneath the refusal or tantrum. Is she tired? Is she worried about going to school? Help her express her worries.)

But here is where we get bonus points for conscious parenting: We use a deep level of introspection and self-awareness to see that we are triggered (a fancy word meaning overly angry), and then we ask ourselves WHY. And that’s the secret sauce. The WHY.

Are you triggered because you have FEAR of running late (and that dreadful things will happen)?

Conscious Parenting is about bringing your awareness to that hidden fear or those subconscious thoughts running in the background, and you metaphorically hit CTR+ALT+DELETE.  You stop those fears.

But we’ll hit traffic and be an hour late if we don’t leave right now!  (Maybe you will, maybe you won’t. But you don’t let that thought run the show).

And you realize that yelling is caused by that fear hidden in the background…. NOT because your child refuses to put on her shoes.

Let me take this Windows PC metaphor WAY too far here: When you are angry, yelling, or punishing…that’s a pop-up window. Open your task manager and end that thought, fear, or anger running in the background, or at least, reduce its control. (Simply acknowledging the thoughts are there is the best way to reduce their control on your behavior.)

Conscious Parenting is the recognition that parenting is all about YOU. And your internal world.

Need more tables? Check out the one below to compare the two styles: Mainstream and Conscious Parenting. And watch the video above to be memorized by Dr. Shefali’s beautifully-articulate and introspective discussion on conscious parenting.

Traditional Conscious Parenting
Main Focus  The child The internal world of the parent
Main tool Discipline , punishments Connection with the child
Uses high level of Control Introspection and self-awareness.
Sees the child as An object A teacher
Results Power struggles. Ruptured connection. Rebellion. Dependence on consequences. Deeper connection. Greater influence. Elevated role as teacher to the child. More self-control of triggers and emotions.
Inspired and influenced by Habits, outdated beliefs, childhood experiences. Science and Research.
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So many of the ways we would usually celebrate the holidays may be out of reach. We might need to really prioritize putting our budget towards homeschool and educational stuff. We might need to be downsizing and minimizing more as we spend more time at home and our homes need to accommodate more activity for more of the time.

However this holiday season is coming upon you, whatever you’re experiencing - I’m holding space for you!

I know it might be a really painful, difficult or challenging time of year and maybe buying presents is the last thing on your mind.

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Instead of a video or a podcast this week, I've spent some time compiling this, I hope it's helpful!

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https://www.theparentingjunkie.com/gift-guide-2020 (clickable link in bio)
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Be a Scary Mommy this Halloween. 🎃

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First, let’s talk about these scary mom costumes. 🧟

We’ve all been these characters, at one time or another.

No, not a sexy pirate.

Or a Fire Breathing Dragon. (Was that just me?)

But actual, real scary moms.

Real moms, who, with the best intentions, set out to make Halloween fun and meaningful and, well…get lost along the way. 👻 Instead, opting to let their fears and anxieties lead the way.

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🧡 Watch Scary Mommy Costumes >> https://youtu.be/j-6OBVCHLNU (or search the title on YouTube!)

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Ten switches to flip in your conversations with people you love (or at least care enough about to have a conversation with, lol!)... these switches will help you manage your triggers, speak in a productive manner and come closer together rather than further apart.

Join Depolarize now >> www.theparentingjunkie.com/depolarize

On the following dates: October 22, October 29, November 5 (Thursdays at 11:00am, New York Time)

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6 comments

6 Replies to “Conscious Parenting vs. Mainstream Parenting”

  1. Loving your post! I never know about conscious parenting and I go along with my intuition. The table is a great help! Thank you for reassuring me that I am movin in the right directions and now I aspire even more to be a teacher to my kids!

  2. i love conscious parenting but honestly, some of the ideas dont work. its similar to spiritual bypassing. Great ideas but lacking in practical application

  3. Rasa Priya, I’d love to hear what you have tried and what doesn’t work for you. I am a believer in a cross between the old and the new. I am a Conscious Parenting Coach and I’m learning to mix the traditional in when it makes sense. Would love to hear what you think can be different.

    1. My 3 year old son likes to hit. He actually enjoys it. It’s not done out of frustration its not done out of anger. Sometimes he hits the dog and he laughs. When I apply the conscious parenting approach of looking at my own sense of being uncomfortable, it’s true, when another suffers from violence caused by his hand I feel uncomfortable. There is a part of me that wants him to be free to experience the world on his own terms, but I also don’t want anyone hurting another being. We connect with him and really try to be present. We try to practice conscious parenting as best as we can, but we find there are instances when introspection is not the solution. We dont believe in control but if our son hits the wrong dog, there may be serious consequences. Some might say we are acting from fear, the fear of our son being bitten from a dog that he hits. Well….yes. I have no answers at this point. The teachers at his Montessori school are concerned about his hitting. The all agree it is not done from frustration or anger. They see him as loving and kind.

  4. I am a personal coach and a writer and a mom. I am inspired and moved by the Conscious Parenting model but find that finding practical applications of the process is often lost. I gain understanding and perspective of myself in retrospect but want to be more present in the moment not just after the apology. As a mother of a three-year-old, I find that my patience falters and feel guilty for losing my patience but this does not improve my track record. I would love to hear from other moms and parents about how conscious parenting has worked or been realized in their lives. I am working on a collection of essays about the path of conscious parenting and some other examples would be great.

    I am happy to share my stories as well. If you would like to share your insights and use of conscious parenting knowing it may be used in a collection of essays, please email me at soobeehoney@gmail.com. Thank you for this wonderful article.

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